I'm trying to learn Japanese, and I know quite a bit already (I used rtk to learn the meaning/ stroke order or about 2200 kanji, know over 1700 vocab, listen and watch a lot of videos constantly everyday for fun, read to get used to it and listen to not-too-difficult audio on repeat to let my brain catch things without help from a script.)
Technically I've been studying for almost 2 years, but I spend the first year basically solely on kanji, so actually I've really been studying for about 9 months now.
However I feel like my progress and ability are still really lacking. I know I shouldn't expect to be at an expert level within the first couple of years or anything but it still feels like I'm barely N5 (The lowest level)
I tried doing an N5 test online (listening and reading) and I kinda sucked. I really am not sure in my study techniques, and I'm even more anxious because I'm not outputting (speaking and writing). The former because there's really no where private in my house to actually properly practice (especially connected to internet), and my family would make fun of me if I did it out in the open. I also don't have anyone to converse with, and I can't really talk to tutors. The latter is again, because of the no tutor thing so I can't get my writing corrected, and I have this fear that if I send my text on any forum (lang-8, discord, HiNative, etc) it won't get corrected and I'll be sitting there feeling worried that my writing isn't correct and I won't be able to move on until someone corrects me. There's also the fact that my writing can get so bad that I don't understand the corrections people make, and don't know how to properly apply them. It also happened often that I ask a lot of questions and try to ask them "so how about this, or like this?" To the point where they eventually just stop replying. So I'm left again anxious about this writing I did that's wrong and nobody is around to fix it, and once again, I can't move on from it.
I only feel like I make real progress when I output and get corrected, or solve questions, because when I read I only barely get what the text is trying to say, and trying to break down the text word by word until I understand the ins and outs of everything genuinely takes me hours for a short piece of text, usually extending into several days so I can search all the grammar, ask questions if I need to, make sure I understand everything, etc. So once I finish one text I end up procrastinating starting another one because the process is so exhausting.
But I feel like extensive reading isn't doing me much either.
I now search up a grammar point when I encounter it, try to understand its usage in that specific context, then move on when I'm extensively reading, because the other option is me obsessively reading everything about the grammar I can, writing it all down until I can get it down pat, only for me to forget all the details like two days later because my memory sucks. So I just look it up quickly, read, then rinse and repeat, even for the same grammar point again and again if I have to, only writing down an explanation when I feel like I really need to let it sink in or I find a useful tip/ explanation.
But that "quick search" technique still makes me feel like I'm barely doing any grammar progress. Especially since I'm not writing any sentences using the grammar I'm learning, since that would result in me posting the sentence somewhere to be corrected, then being anxious that someone wont reply, and if they do I'll probably have questions, then once again I'll have to write another sentence to confirm that what I did is correct, then send it again, rinse and repeat.
So even though I'm interacting with the language a lot, trying to listen a lot, watching a lot of videos, trying to watch grammar videos, using anki to learn vocab, etc etc. It still feels like after all these months I'm still barely qualified to call myself N5. Especially after trying those tests and struggling so much. I get confused and caught up in things so easily, and when I read without doing intensive research it constantly feels (and usually is the case) that I'll completely misunderstand a sentence. I study everyday, searching grammar, watching grammar videos, reading and trying really piece in my mind what something means, listening to songs with jp lyrics on screen constantly and trying to understand the lyrics, trying to listen to songs without reading to the lyrics, then writing down what I hear and trying to understand each line, reading posts about grammar questions people have, trying out new resources, reading from different places, repetitive listening, etc etc. but it all feels null, like I'm working all the time, constantly in study mode, but not conjuring up anything
I felt like I post something like this somewhere every other month, but I never feel like I improve, even though I tweaked and changed my studying so many times.
Any help please?